Sunday, December 14, 2008

#3 Chacos


Part sandal part hiking shoe---all sexy.

Hip Young Christians always feel the need to go against the grain--by emulating each other and passing it off as originality.

According to my records, Chacos blew onto the scene in the late summer/fall of 2007. I was working at a Young Life camp doing a week of manual labor just outside of Colorado Springs. The first morning I was lounging outside of the dining hall, lamenting another day of lacquering window frames, when all of the sudden some of my male commarades come stomping strap-ons.

As I gaze onto the rugged mountains that are our fate for the week, I can't help but wonder..."WHAT THE FUCK?"

Hip young christians love Chacos. As a rational person you are probably already wondering how this brand continues to thrive and exist, but I challenge you--next time you are at a coffee shop or an Invisible Children screening, look down. At least 65% of the people will be wearing Chacos.

HYCs are very defensive of their expensive and impractical choice of footgear. Some common word vomit:

(disclamer-- I have heard all of these excuses personally)

1. Bro, they're just so practical...its like a foot mullet! Best of both worlds! (cue high-five)
2. They're light and comfortable! (false)
3. They go with everything (false, they look shiteous with everything)
4. They have a lifetime warranty! (with $20 s&h and a 6 week wait)
5. They're practical! (no)
6. They're cute! (see item #3)

A final note on my Chaco rant:

Guys--with the acquisition of Chacos comes the acquisition of responsibility. I implore you, if you must make this mistake, TAKE CARE OF YOUR TOES/FEET. You will not score a wife or a super-trendy girlfriend with ashy, calloused feet and toe nails fit for weaponry.

Girls--please, please, please, no Chacos at church. It's just tacky. Just stick with your exruciatingly preplanned pew runway outfit and leave the Chacos for summer camp, where we all make certain forgiveable mistakes.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

#2 Journaling

If you ever look around you and see an alarming number of 20 somethings with too much outdoor performance apparel and a small neutral colored, leather-bound book in their hands, don't worry, you are not at a Jack Kerouac convention, rather you are probably in the local coffee shop or maybe unknowingly at Cru or an Obama rally.

Journaling is a very important exercise in the hip, young Christian culture on many different levels. Allow me preface by saying that ALL hip, young Christians carry their journal like a diabetic carries their insulin shots---with a sense of urgency and priority. When a HYC is creepily stalking a coffee shop or at the library, a journal serves as a quick and fool-proof way to identify other HYCs in the establishment. This very action could eventually lead to a HYC finding their husband/wife, which as we know to be true, is the prevailing goal over any other in the HYC culture.
Journaling shows that the HYC is deep, emotional, literate, contemplative, and studious: all things that are revered in the HYC culture. HYCs ALWAYS journal at church, during any campus ministry, on campus, at the airport, and basically anywhere that it might be possible for other HYCs to see them pouring their soul to a book.
Selecting a journal is a very important task for a HYC. A lot can be said of your choice and it has direct implications of your place on the HYC hierarchy. A very popular choice among HYC boys is the Moleskin journal. It is not fancy, but expensive, small, always black, and accompanied by an elastic band--- just in case that tiny notebook might burst open. For the ladies, and even some daring gentlemen, there are the $30 Barnes and Noble leather-bound mammoth journals that usually will have some kind of classical engraving on the front and back (think Ralph Waldo Emerson).

If you are trying to impress a HYC, buy them a journal for a gift, or better yet, compliment them on their discipline and diligence in journaling. This will flatter a HYC and affirm their belief that excessive journaling = eternal attractiveness and entrance into heaven.

PS- If a HYC journals a lot in your presence, they are writing about you!

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

#1 Getting Married

Nothing says, "I love you" like a couple of 20 year old kids tying the knot and toasting their holy matrimony with a nice class of sparkling cider. But hold up, we can't get too crazy--- we have class tomorrow!

Indeed, getting married when you have yet to rent your own apartment and are still on your parents health insurance is absurd to most, but it is a strange phenomenon in the hip, young Christian culture, and it is best understood in terms of what it represents:

1) Young marriage means that you are grown, responsible, and permissibly boring. No more pretending to have fun at themed parties, because well, you are married.

2) Young marriage means that you have (by all accounts) waited until your wedding night to lose your virginity. Having your virginity is highly coveted in the HYC culture, because it shows that you have "followed God's plan", while at the same time providing a way for you to compare yourself to other HYCs, thereby gaining status. 

Nothing more than a glorified prom, these weddings are quite bizarre to someone not familiar with the HYC culture. There are typically about 12 bridesmaids and groomsmen,  a HYC minister, and usually a daring color scheme, because, golly, we're so young after all! Receiving an invitation to a HYC wedding is a prized achievement in HYC culture, as it means that you are now ready to start your own search for your child bride/groom. 

At the reception, the bridal party WILL be an hour late, and will generally try to spice up their entrance with the use of song and light. Think of the way a high school basketball team is announced and enters a game, and you will be on course with the HYC way. There will be plenty of sparkling cider for everyone, and dancing, OH the dancing! Since most of the people attending a HYC wedding (sometimes even the bride and groom) are under 21, there isn't the drunken revelry that is usual at a normal wedding, so this is why dancing takes over as that needed ice breaker. Wedding reception dancing provides a way for HYCs to do three of the things they covet the most:

1) Being acceptably sexually charged and borderline skeezy
2) Find a potential husband/wife
3) Organized dancing (Cha Cha Slide, Electric Slide, Macarena, Soulja Boy,  Chicken Dance, etc)

After the reception, the HYCs will slowly leave the venue, not willing to give up on their night of sexually expressive mate searching, and lament to others in the early morning light of the parking lot that they hope one day they will find, "the one", but for now are just "following God's plan". 

There are NO EXCEPTIONS. Every HYC wants to get married, ASAP.